Oh Relief, I missed you.

I am officially DONE with fall quarter!!! thank you Lord!
I still haven't gotten my grades back, but I'm feeling good about it. whatever i get, i get. so whateva.

It's so weird when you finish something...i remember back before this quarter started. what was it...3 months ago?
before i do something big, go somewhere, or start something new i always think about how i feel at the moment, try to imagine what might happen in the days, weeks, months to come, and how i'm going to end up at the end. idk if any of you do the same. it's so weird being at the other end of the 3 months. what did i even really accomplish?
hmmm
so going into this school year was right after i got back from Europe. during that trip for some reason i really felt God preparing me for a hard/crazy/crappy next couple months. i wasn't exactly sure what He ment by that, but as i lived my life these few months, He was totally right.
i know you pretty much know what's happened. not all of it obviously, but the big stuff. it all started with Heather moving away, a friend i had grown so close to that it felt like i was saying goodbye to a twin sister. it sucked. i felt really alone...even at church and in small group. we had made so many plans together on what our last year of high school together was going to be like, not realizing that we were already living it. following that, bernice left, my friend hilary went to africa, i rarely got to see my other close friend olivia, the people i thought would be there for me kind of weren't (and don't worry, i'm not meaning you girlies). but during this God opened my eyes to how much i rely on other people and the security they give me. the way that i can shadow them, or hide behing them. the way that i use them to speak for me because i don't want to put myself out there. and it's still a struggle for me because that's kind of how God made me, but i know He was growing me and stretching me...putting me in foreign and uncomfortable situations to reveal more of who He is. He needs to be who i shadow, who i hide behind, who speaks for me.
and during all of this i kept remembering that i knew this was going to happen. i knew this part of my life was going to be hard becaue God told me it would be. but it was still hard to trust Him. it was still hard to go to Him with stuff because i didn't know what to say. all i could say was...help.
and He's showing me that that's all i need to do.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
6 In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct[a] your paths.

what else has happened?
i got a car. i got a job. i turned 18. that in itself is unbelievable to me. i know it's still so young, but when i was younger i always would picture what it would be like to be 18. what i would know, who i would hang out with, what i would do with my life. i feel like i know nothing and i have no idea what i'm doing with my life after this year. but i guess that's the exciting part of it all, huh? ;)

i don't know where i'm going with this or why i'm even posting this. haha i've just been in a thinking mood the past couple days.

anyway, another thing God layed on my heart during the Europe trip was how He wanted me to be more of a leader. and i knew He wanted me to start a Bible study, but i didn't, and still don't, really know what He meant by that. i was honestly really nervous about it. Heather was going to help me, but obviously she moved so my security was once again pulled away. something we learned on the mission trip was that ministry requires vulnerability. Tanner kept bugging me about that and always asked me when i was going to start a bible study. it was nice to finally have someone challenging me instead of me always pushing other people, you know?
well the study is up and running...i'm not sure how to handle it, but i'm praying that i will be senstive to His spirit and what He wants to speak to me and the girls.

so i still don't know where i'm going with this.
basically, september through now has been extremely weird. there were so many times when i felt alone, when i felt like i wanted to cry but for some reason my body doesn't physically know how (haha), when i felt peaceful, content, uncomfortable, confused. i know it's all part of life. and i thank God for what He's taught me and how i learned it even thought it's been hard.
right now i feel relieved. and oh, how've i've missed that feeling.


Ecclesiastes 3

1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him.

22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a man than to enjoy his work, because that is his lot. For who can bring him to see what will happen after him?


Madison.